How to Deal with Difficult People

25 Aug How to Deal with Difficult People

While in Miami a few years ago, Dassy and I visited her grandparents, the Webermans, who founded a synagogue there in the early 1960’s and served as Rabbi and Rebbetzin until just a few years ago. Rabbi Weberman told me a story that happened to him in the early 1970’s when he encountered some opposition from another rabbi in the city pertaining to the standard in which to build a new mikvah. This other rabbi wanted to build it based on a lower standard of Jewish law and was giving Rabbi Weberman a really tough time in the process. After a bitter Rabbinic battle lasting for 3 years, Rabbi Weberman eventually was able to get the mikvah built based on the higher standard he had pushed for.

About 9 months later, Rabbi Weberman was in New York and had a private yechidut (audience) with the Rebbe. After recounting his mikvah struggles in the discussion, he mentioned that he would like to institute Kosher shechita (slaughter) in South Florida. The Rebbe liked the idea, but much to Weberman’s surprise, then proposed the following suggestion: “Involve this rabbi who fought against you. Make him one of the supervisors. Let him certify the meat.”

When Rabbi Weberman expressed his shock at the suggestion, wondering how a rabbi who wanted a lower Halalachic (Jewish law) standard be entrusted with such an importance task as overseeing the supervision of Kosher food, the Rebbe remarked that as long as you know you can trust the actual expertise and Halachic standards of the shochet (butcher), he doesn’t have to be overly concerned with that certifying rabbi. And then the Rebbe made the following remark, “We need to remember that these things (the Rebbe was referring to the Holy Temple being destroyed) happened because of unwarranted hatred between Jews. And how do you overcome unwarranted hatred? With unwarranted love. Now, can you find a better example of unwarranted love than turning to this person who fought against you?!”

This was the Rebbe, and he truly practiced what he preached. Even when being the subject of much vocal criticism from many in the religious world for his style of reaching out to those who were not yet religious (which only became more widespread later on), he didn’t take it personally. And while he never veered one iota from the principles of the Torah, he never made personal attacks on anyone, keeping to his non-judgmental, loving attitude towards others, often turning enemies into friends and allies.

It appears that the Rebbe took a page out of Yakov’s (Jacob’s) playbook, in an epic brotherly reunion recounted in this week’s Torah portion of Vayishlach, Yacov wasn’t naïve and knew that his brother Esav (Esau) hated him and intended to kill him. He was justly worried about the threat of violence. So he mapped out a three-pronged plan consisting of prayer, offering a lavish gift of a of hundreds of various cattle and livestock and prepared, as a last resort, for war.

Esav approached, accompanied by an army of 400 mercenaries. The showdown loomed. And then Yakov did something strange: He bowed down.  

He wasn’t prostrating himself in fear nor was he lowering himself into the ground to humiliate himself. Rather, Yakov was bowing out of genuine respect for the spiritual potential that Esav represented. Instead of concentrating on at all that was wrong about his brother, he deliberately looked for something to admire and, when he found it, he bowed his head. 

And Esav responded in kind. In place of the anticipated violence, Esav reciprocated with love. When faced with his brother bowing his head in respect, Esav raised Yakov up and kissed him. For the first time in decades they had a fraternal conversation and instead of bringing up old recriminations over stolen blessings, he ceded gracefully and validated Yakov’s claim to the firstborn rights.  

All of Yakov’s fears were proved groundless. Instead of the expected genocide, Esav expressed interest in the sisters-in-law and nephews he had never met and offered to accompany and protect Yakov on his travels.  

Like the Rebbe taught Dassy’s grandfather, Yakov showed that respecting someone costs you nothing. There are obviously exceptions with toxic relationships that need to be severed, but as a general rule, find something to honor about everyone you meet and give them that honor. Never be afraid to bow your head in respect even while demonstrating your own self-respect, bounderies and standards. Look out for ways to help others shine and, when you find their point of positivity, polish it until it shines. You’ll be surprised at your abilities to find a diamond in the rough!